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Jashim's Joke archive

Bill and Madhuri

If Bill Gates marries Madhuri Dixit;

these could be the caption in Newspapers:

* Bill goes Dhak-Dhak!

* English Babu Desi Mem.

* Brain marries Beauty!?

* Windows ke peechhe kya hai? Windows ke peechhe....!?

  Ooo Windows mein   Bill hai mera...

* The next version of Windows will be "Windows MD."

* Microsoft Mouse V/S Madhuri - the cat.

* Relax guys! they'll only go for a virtual honeymoon.

* Bill to count his millions & billions in EK, DO, TEEN..

* Gate for Bill, Windows for M.F.Hussain

* Mera Bill ghar aaya O Hussainji, Mera...

* Mera bill bhee kitna pagal hai...

* Bill Will, Gates Wates... Main kya jaanu re... !

 

Desi English

 

I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?

(beech, beech = middle, middle)

Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!

"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"

Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law

"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"

"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"

"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"

Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter

continue her studies or get her married :

        "Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu

         marry her, then marry her ."

Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :

        "Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"

"Don't talk like that in front of my back"

"Dont stand in front of my back"

"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."

 "Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."

 "Repeat again please!"

 "Mistake became wrong!"

 Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?

 Pliss, close the fan!

 He/she's my cousin brother/sister

 He/she's my co-brother/sister

 Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.

 Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud

 Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off

 Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?

 naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils

 An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:

        "Take an elephant of negligible weight"

 heard in kitchen:   No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating

 It's so hot! Please on the fan no.

 Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of

sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "

 A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the

tree"!!

 "Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "

 Pune'ites, and  Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not

'parvadable'"!!!

 "You three, both of you kneel down together separately"

 "There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"

 "Run with the fence" (alongside)

 "Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)

 "Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)

 "Why aren't you kneel downing?"

 If you talk, I'll kneel down

        (Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)

 Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)

 The principal just passed away.

 Who took out the breeze of my cykill.

 Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).

My cykill is understanding the tree.

Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!

 

Computer Baba

 

            Om Jai Computer Baba,

                   Swami Jai Computer Baba

             Client logon ke sankat

                   Tu hi door karta. !!Om!!

             H1 Tune Dilaya,

                   US Tune Pahunchaya.

             Sunneyvale Ho Ya Fremont,

                   "ABCD" Har Jagah Hi Paya. !!Om!!

             Oracle Ho Ya Sybase,

                  Sabka Beda Paar Ho Jata.

             Programmer Ho Ya DBA,

                   Koi Waapis Na Ja Pata. !!Om!!

             Tujh Bin Calculation Na Howe,

                   Tujh Bin Program Na Howe,

             Tujh Bin Kuchh Na Ho Pata,

                   Swaami "CORE DUMP" Nahin Jata. !!Om!

             Yeh Computer Baba Ki Aarti

                          Jo Koi Nar Gata,

             Uska H1 Bhi Jaldi Se

                          "HARA PATTA" Ban Jata. !!Om!!

 

Freedom to Bettering Made Easy

In the 27th year of Independence, I interviewed a young man at the court where he was accompanied by cops. He said he was happy that in our 27th year of freedom, he was free to better himself to the best of his abilities.

"What are your abilities?"

"I'm too modest to talk about it-especially in the presence of these cops!"

"You have an idol?"

"Yes, my aged grand father-once a freedom fighter."

"Why is he your idol?"

"Oh, I just love his lifestyle. All he does the whole day is eat, sleep, relax and watch TV!"

"You hold a job?"

"No. I feel a deep concern for others. Why should I deprive another young man from a job?"

"You do nothing?"

"Of course, I do. I'm in sales."

"What do you sell?"

"Well, I started by selling off our own household items. Now I sell what I find in other people's houses."

"Why, that's burglary!"

"So what's in a name? If we all made an effort to better ourselves, we as a country would be going places."

"Sure, places like the police station, court and prison. Do you work as hard every day?"

"Every night, yes. Can I help it? I'm a workaholic!"

"How do people react to you-particularly when they come to know your interesting profession?"

"I'm a modest, publicity-shy person. I try to avoid the searchlight and keep a low profile. But my work gets its due recognition and this draws a lot of attention to me. Strangers want to know where I live and what's my name."

"Why, so they can find you a suitable match?"

"No, so they can tell the police."

"And how do the cops treat you?"

"Like a guest."

"And how does the public treat you if you happen to be caught in the act?"

"I always get the best treatment."

"Really? I'd think they'd send you to a hospital intensive care unit."

"They do and that's where I get the best treatment."

"Do you have any idealistic notions about the wonderful work you do? Do you imagine you're taking away from the rich to give it back to the needy?"

"Once I did hand over my loot to a needy person. That was just before the cops chasing me caught up with me. So they had to let me go."

"What about today? Are you going to jail?"

"Now."

"The court has not found you guilty?"

"It has. But the prison can't accommodate me. It's already overcrowded."

"Still, aren't you ashamed to be here in court?"

"Why should I be? The judges, lawyers and cops come here everyday!"